Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
