I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
