Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
