Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
