the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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