how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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