Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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