I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
