My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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