He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
