This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
