Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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