my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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