dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
