It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
