somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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