At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
