If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
