I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
