I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
