I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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