I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
