when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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