We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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