I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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