I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
