i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So here I am, sexting at work.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
