Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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