Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
