The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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