I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
