the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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