Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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