I faked an abortion last night.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
