I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
