my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
