I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
