You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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