All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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