i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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