can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
