I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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