chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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