if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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