In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
