dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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