My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
and eventually we just all took our pants off
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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