I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
