its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
