Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
