Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
